No more good girl syndrome
Bye bitch 👋🏻✌🏻✨
I write a lot about self-care and personal development on my blog wildray.net. I love self-growth and think one of my purposes in life is learning and becoming better.
A week ago or so I had a realization. Something that shocked me in a way. But hey, anything for self-growth.
A big revelation
I saw a deep green chair in one of the YouTube videos I watched and thought “yeah, I like this color”. And then I asked myself “what other colors do I like?”. I had no answers. I don’t know what colors I like.
I started thinking about all my “favorite” things and came to the conclusion that I know nothing about myself. True and deep knowledge about who I am is just simply not found in my brain.
My whole life revolved around others, their thoughts, opinions, interests, and preferences. It’s a good girl syndrome that was taught to me since I was born.
Constant “don’t say or wear this! what will others think?”. Urgh, I wanted to vomit when I realized it 🤢 It hurt very badly, and still does.
It’s painful to realize that you spent a few decades serving and pleasing others, isn’t it?
Examples, examples..
Exhibit A
Recently, in light of current events in Ukraine, I was sharing a lot about my feelings and emotions, my opinions. To my surprise, I got a bunch of angry texts from people I used to know and my faraway relatives telling me I am wrong, a liar, or I should shut up. Nice, isn’t it?
Reminder: I have 500 followers, so getting that reaction is extremely weird. And maybe a few years ago, I would tramble from one or two messages like this and would eventually shut up. But this time I just had a strong alignment with my inner self and knew that I deserve the right to my opinion.
I thought F them. Honestly, period. This is my opinion, they are on my territory. There is this magical “unfollow” button if my stories are so unbearable.
Exhibit B
A few years ago, as my profile photo on Instagram, I had a silhouette of a girl with devil horns. You know those aesthetic pics? I love them, I love the idea and the meaning behind it. I did love it back then and I still do.
So some random guy, from my college who I never spoke to, decided to text me and tell me how pathetic it was. Well, he also added sorry at the end 🤦🏼♀️ How thoughtful. I wish I still had that DM.. I don’t remember if I replied back but I know for sure a day or two later, I changed my profile picture. I felt weird about it, I did not want to change it. This random guy influenced me so much and I thought now everyone would see it as pathetic.
But beyond that, those examples, and I have many more, made me think how disconnected I was from myself my whole life. And a simple comment or a text could’ve made me change my mood, my interests, and the way I thought. Yes, so sad..
This is the whole childhood thing
Imagine if random people made me feel that way, how people I know could influence me then. A little doubt could literally ruin my plans, projects, and ideas. You may say, “Julia, you had to be stronger and think for yourself”. Thanks, I know. But it’s hard to do so if you were raised the way I was raised and were never taught that you can and should stand up for yourself, you have a choice and it is your life.
I still see how people I used to know struggle with these things, they have identity issues and while they are extremely intelligent and successful, they doubt themselves constantly.
I could dive into the whole post-Sovjet life in Latvia and how people struggled with identity crises but I will not. I’ll just say that being told what to do, wear, and think for decades, and then having a lot of freedom can really mess you and your kids up. I know it well.
People pleasing
And listen, I am not the most open person in real life. I am an introvert and extremely reserved. It takes me time to open up, start trusting people, and be my silly self in front of them. Unfortunately, it is seen as rude or ill-mannered. The truth is it is not, there are many different people who express themselves in various ways.
For years, I thought something was wrong and tried to push myself out there to prove that I am just like others, I am outgoing and love being around people.
It is so far from the truth and I still don’t understand why having a desire to spend time alone (aka being able to entertain yourself and never being bored by yourself) is seen as something so negative?
And I do understand the need for networking and socializing both for our mental health and overall life quality. But since when are we so judgemental?
. . .
Recently I had someone being shady towards me because of my story about how we should keep dreaming. This faraway person who I’ve seen a long time ago and barely know at this point posted how they “choose to work hard and not to dream” 🙄 Although they did not talk to me directly, I know it was a dig at me.. I will reveal something - you can and should dream about better things while also having goals and plans, and working on them. Such great news!
And absolutely no need to act shady towards people who choose differently and want to dream a bit more and live a creative life.
I’ve been laughed at because of my ideas and thoughts, my style. And I look pretty average, especially lately. I can only imagine how hard it is for people who look way different.
My only conclusion is that because of people like this, who shame others, we have difficulties in expressing ourselves. We move so far away from our true identities and try to fill in that void with something else.
The point is that if you choose something that is more or less average or orthodox in the eyes of society, it’s cool. But let me and others just like me choose whatever we want to.
Stop pushing good girl/good boy syndrome down our throats and in our minds.
And in all honesty, I look at these examples and it makes me laugh now. I am not trying to call anyone out. At this point, I don’t care. But it amazes me how invested we are in someone else’s life to the point that we try to prove that they’re wrong to live their life as they wish.
Change takes time
I know that what I write can sound a bit c o c k y and impolite especially to people who know me in real life. “Why do you write this?”, they may ask.
The thing is it is a part of my healing journey. I know that these revelations will take time to sink in in my own head. It will take time to work through the old patterns and start moving forward toward the person I want to be. And actually putting it out there makes me confront everything that I did or didn’t do in order to stand my own ground. My biggest hope is that someone can see themselves in this text, relate to it and say, “yeah, no more”.
While I realize that I have a good girl syndrome, I will not magically get rid of it. It takes time.
I dislike that by 30 we are expected to be successful, and established, to know our interests and passions, and to know who we are. This is such a BS.
Change is constant whether it is internal or external. This is the reality. We are always changing. Ask our bodies! And we can choose to change consciously in a way that benefits us or we can go with the flow and change just because society or someone else wants us to.
It’s up to us and we have to know our true values and have a strong core in order to be who we truly are. Even if others tell you you’re wrong, ugly, boring.. I believe as long as you’re minding your own business and don’t hurt others, you’re good and should express yourself the way you want to.
In conclusion
We are all so unique and different, and this is what makes this world beautiful. This is why we keep moving forward - because people are willing to take a step outside their comfort zone and say, “what if?”.
This post is for everyone, no matter your age, gender, race, or origin, this is for you. Don’t give up. I personally may screw up a few times, but the thing I know for sure is that I will never give up. No matter how many obstacles there are, I will keep my chin up and go further.
So please do not give up on yourself.
Some useful articles about the good girl syndrome:
Btw, I looooove emojis, so expect a lot of them 💖